The New York Times didn’t address me personally, but I know they’re thinking it!

Since Sunday, I’ve heard a lot about the Maude Apatow profile in the New York Times. I read it from the actual paper, since I’m an elitist with Sunday delivery. People have been talking about how she’s cute, talented and smart for her 14 years - all very true.

But I’m surprised that no one is enraged by the following commentary from the article’s author. When citing a quote from HelloGiggles founder Sophia Rossi, it read:

“Ms. Rossi, a practically decrepit 30, said that when she and…”

I’M SORRY, WHAT NOW?! If I gave a quote to the NYT and they called me practically decrepit (even in jest!), I would have laid the smack down.

Would you want to go back to being 14?! I’ll take decrepit*, because at least no can force you to clean your room.

* Not valid if I were daughter of Judd Apatow and Leslie Mann. I would live it up!

Image of Sophia Rossi via HelloGiggles

People Magazine posted an article titled Bill Murray’s Flirty Night at French Bar. Please read it because I swear it sounded like a fever dream I once had.

Murray is 61-years-old, twice divorced with four kids, once accused of domestic violence and an addiction to sex, yet the article just had such a “good for him” slant to it. 

Go to bed, sir. If for nothing else but to save all the girls who intend to sleep with him for a good story.

Image via People.

Groupon is amazing! Every day I search for deals that allow my impoverished self to experience the bourgeois lifestyle.

Although my usual morning distraction is the owl that lives outside my window, today it was a protruding set of bones. House of Synergy Salon & Massage advertised their Groupon using a frighteningly thin, girl-next-door type model. So much so, that it was distracting from her freshly blow-dried hair. I actually said “Yikes” aloud.

Don’t get me wrong, I see thin girls all the time. I’m pretty sure my roommate wears clothes made for toddlers, but her collarbones have never come close to poking me in the eye.

Synergy’s model is very cute, but what are they advertising? …Shoulder lipo?

Image via Groupon

I’d argue white trash bordering on genius!

Resident North Carolina hick Tommy Jordan recorded an eight minute video responding to his daughter’s public Facebook rant on how much she hates doing chores. Granted, his daughter Hannah was out of line, even if the dad is a total dick hole.

But what a dick hole! While dragging on a cigarette and sitting in an adirondack chair in the middle of an empty field, Jordan reads Hannah’s Facebook post for the camera and responds to each line.

Then, he pulls out a .45 handgun and shoots the computer. I wish he would have used a shotgun. Instead of crazy Southern man, now I’m getting more of a creepy Winter’s Bone vibe.

Obviously, Tommy Jordan is a shitty immature parent, but how many times do you wish you could take a handgun to an electronic device? For me, almost every time I have to update iTunes.

My advice for poor laptop-less Hannah is to go old school and talk about your parents behind their back…like man has been doing for centuries.

Image via Tech Spot.

Twinkie Pie. Deep Fried Lasagna. Chocolate Cheese Fudge.

As glorious as it sounds, Paula Deen recently discovered (is 3 years ago recent?) that her Southern fried masochism is what caused her pancreas to stop functioning.

She has Type 2 diabetes, which she hid from everyone for 3 YEARS! All while her signature cookware marketed a basic saucepan as a Butter Warmer.

But here’s my admission: I LOVE Paula. If I could, I’d roll around naked in her food. Her diabetes reveal may kill her calorie-laden brand, but it is her partnership with pharmaceutical company, Novo Nordisk, that’s putting the nail in her coffin (I’m assuming her coffin is lined with funnel cake).

The woman who lent her name to ham and cream cheese promotion is partnering with a drug company instead of working to cure her reversible illness. It’s like she’s choosing the diabetes to keep her deep-fryer-in-the-kitchen reputation.

Deen said:

“I’ve always said, ‘Practice moderation, y’all.’ I’ll probably say that a little louder now. You can have diabetes and have a piece of cake. You cannot have diabetes and eat a whole cake.”

Paula Deen may be everyone’s Southern mama, but if your mother had diabetes — would you stand by and watch her make Krispy Kreme burgers?

Didn’t think so.

Image via Angry Trainer Fitness.

In a terrible misfortune, reality star and E! News anchor Giuliana Rancic was diagnosed with breast cancer. After having a lumpectomy, she will now undergo a double mastectomy to keep the cancer at bay.

It’s a brave choice. Rancic will have the scary, invasive surgery next week. 

So, WHY is she a guest on the Today Show? And Wendy Williams? And talking to tabloids?

Guiliana and her husband Bill (reality TV costar and winner of The Apprentice) were on the morning show Monday and Wendy Williams on Tuesday. 

This is why she is spreading the word so soon:

“First, I would like to take the stigma away. ‘Mastectomy’ the word seemed so scary to me at first. After doing research and seeing the advancements, the surgery has come a long way from 20 years ago. The results can be incredible.”

Totally understandable. Actresses, such as Christina Applegate and Wanda Sykes, have admitted undergoing double mastectomies AFTER their surgeries. 

Giuliana told the press about her lumpectomy before she had it and now she’s on national TV during a very difficult time. Everyone handles trauma differently, but let’s hope this is not about garnering ratings for Style’s Giuliana & Bill.

Photo by People.

I don’t care what Gwyneth Paltrow says!

After a decadent Thanksgiving weekend, I woke up feeling gross.* My vain alter-ego (Samantha with no self respect) took over and committed both of us to GOOP’s week-long detox. It’s not that extreme (smoothie for breakfast, salad for lunch, etc), but I continue to hate myself for giving in to the madness. 

Maybe it’s the allure of Gwyneth herself. If I was hot, rich, married to a rock star, cooked with Mario Batali in my spare time, traveled the world, had two beautiful kids and most importantly, a backyard pizza oven, my life would be perfect.

I hate that woman (or possible alien? It would explain so much). But if she tells me to eat Broccoli Arugula Soup for dinner, I’m gonna do it. AND I’m gonna complain about it.

Just the way she phrases her meal instructions, I find obnoxious.

“Drink a glass of room temperature lemon water upon rising.”

While us normals roll out of bed, Gwyneth rises.

She’s got me drinking coconut water as a mid-afternoon SNACK. By definition, water is never a snack.

As I watched the greens powder and whey swirl in my morning smoothie, muffled by the whir of the blender, I declared, “Fuck you, Gwyneth.”

My breakfast tasted like warm blueberry garbage.

*By gross, I mean witnessed a number on the scale that would be comparable to someone with child. 

Note: I am no detox saint. My birthday is this week and I made dinner reservations last month. All other meals will be reluctantly recommended by GP.

Photo via Bon Appetit.

What. Is. Happening.

At 6 months pregnant, Beyonce has attended every single one of Jay-Z’s concerts. She’s been seeing dancing nonstop in the front row, but no one cares about that.

They care about her trips to the can.

Us Magazine’s headline read: “Pregnant Beyonce Takes 14 Bathroom Breaks at Jay-Z Concert.”

The entire story was a witness saying:

“She took about 14 bathroom breaks…she barely stopped dancing!”

Was he counting? Get a life, people! She has to pee a lot because there is a baby chilling out on her bladder.

I’m sure if the press could film the birth, they would.

Is it terrible that I’d consider watching that?

Image via Fashion of the Year.

In a coffee shop this morning, I saw a very cute little girl dressed as an “Indian” on her way to school. How are educators still hanging on to the glory of Thanksgiving?

Although delicious, Thanksgiving is about Pilgrims being assholes. For two whole seconds, they put away their self righteousness to have some food with Native Americans (possibly against their will).

But just days later, the Native Americans were being slaughtered again. Women and children burned alive! A fact that does not make me hungry AT ALL!

Of course, children will continue to celebrate this event with paper hats and a potluck…because their teachers told them to.

Note: In no way am I endorsing the end of Thanksgiving. My grandma’s egg bread stuffing will always trump moral conviction. Quite similar to the Pilgrims.

Image via SheKnows.

College students are idiots with money. When the green touches their immature hands, it is often squandered at the bar or on unnecessarily sparkly shoes.

But doomed Republican presidential hopeful Newt Gingrich thinks he can change that. He pitched New Hampshire college students the benefits of private retirement accounts as opposed to Social Security.

Newt wants to let workers decide what to do with their own money.

NOPE.

Once a year, I get so desperate for cash that I ponder selling my eggs. It doesn’t matter that I’d never do it. That girl should not be handed her financial future!

But maybe the government is just as careless. They don’t want to be in charge either because they’ll blow our money on the military equivalent of an American Apparel hoodie (war with Iran). Everyone always sees them wearing that turquoise hoodie (war in Afghanistan), but they think that the purple sweatshirt (funding Iraqis to fight Iran-backed militias, so the US can leave Iraq with a clear conscience) would bring out their eyes.

Not sure if the money should be spent. Either way, the US is just trying to look pretty.

Image via Forbes